If I Only Could
There’s no shortage of plays at this year’s Fringe that cover topics of death, grief, and loss. In their 40 minute 2-hander, If I Only Could, Saints and Delinquents brings a series of energetic performances and a healthy dose of light humour, though I only wish they ventured deeper into the central topic at the heart of the piece: coping with the loss of a loved one.
The play’s premise is a fun concept: Joan (Sophie Vincent) is stuck in purgatory, unsure of how she got here in the first place and desperate to find a way out. After delivering an emotional direct address to the audience - a quasi-eulogy - Lizzie (Nell Amari) confirms what we all will know to be true from the show’s marketing: Joan is dead. Her sister is dead, and she doesn’t know why. It was at this point, and certain other points in the show, that I was craving a bit more show and a bit less tell. Nonetheless, Amari never shies away from the vulnerability required of the character, holding each line preciously in the palm of her hand. Vincent, too, is also a sharp performer, moving from moment to moment with ease and keeping a sense of lightness that makes this dark comedy more ‘comedy’ than dark.
As we shift into what will prove to be a very A Christmas Carol-like sequence of events, we meet God, who takes the human form of Lizzie and is clad in a pink, bedazzled jumpsuit. She delivers an unexpected, punchy, and fun music number to tell us while she is all here. Though it very well could have been a restriction of the space, a mic was definitely needed here, as I could only make out about 30% of what appeared to me as one of the most exciting parts of the show.
Joan is allowed to revisit a few key memories in her life, and of course, they all have to do with her sister. It’s clear that Joan has regrets about how she treated her sister, both now and in their childhood. What is unclear is why Joan and Lizzie never seem eye to eye: is it simply a sister thing? Does it have to do with birth order? Some other unseen dynamic within the family? They aren’t hearing each other properly (Joan is apalled, for instance, that her sister failed to remember she has Celiac now), and we never quite figure out why. What we also never figure out, and what Joan and Lizzie will never know either, is how or why Joan died.
Perhaps the point here is that there is often no rhyme or reason to why a loved one leaves us, and yet, we have to accept this anyway. God begs Joan to forgive her for what she has done. After all, she is the reason that Joan is here. She is the reason Joan will never see her sister get married or meet her three kids or take their annual road trips to Palm Springs. Maybe the message is that God works in mysterious ways— a universal truth I think we can all agree on. I was craving more nuance in this final message and a deeper exploration on death, acceptance, and forgiveness. Still, a promising start.
⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️
If I Only Could is now playing at The Space On The Mile at Edinburgh Fringe Festival until 24 August 2024. More information and tickets can be found here.
